Dear Granny,
I have been incorporating more positive parenting in our home but have been struggling with how to set boundaries and rules in a positive way with my 3 year old. He is having a hard time following rules and staying within his allowed boundaries. He is going through a phase of wanting to be more independent, which is nice, but it often puts him in danger (for example- he likes to try to climb on the kitchen counter to get his own cup, he wants to climb on the refrigerator shelves to get a drink, walk in a parking lot without holding hands, etc.) When I try to correct his behavior and let him know that he can get hurt, he often acts very emotional- yelling, shoving me away, etc., which eventually leads to a meltdown. Are there any techniques that you could recommend for correcting his behavior and keeping him safe, while also avoiding meltdowns/tantrums?
Sincerely,
A Mom Trying to Be Positive
Dear A Mom Trying to Be Positive,
Congratulations for your efforts to work on more positive methods!
That will pay off big time in the future: it helps your child see you as his advocate, which strengthens your relationship. That, in turn, will help you navigate through the unpleasant parts of limit setting.
Three can be a hard age. A huge part of every toddler’s job description is to explore and learn about everything they can. In the second half of their third year particularly, they start to realize that rules interfere with them doing what they want! So resisting those rules is part of their drive to be independent, which ultimately we dearly want……just not right now maybe, right?
This is where the “parental balancing act” really starts: balancing giving them tasks they can manage and mostly succeed at, and setting boundaries on what they want to do that is not OK. It sounds like this is where you have run into challenges. Most parents do.
Effective setting of boundaries involves skills, kindness and patience. It also involves a bit of introspection on your part. It might help for you to be clear in your own mind where you want to draw the line on your son’s behavior. I recommend starting with safety issues. What can a three year-old safely do? What can you tolerate? It might be a good idea to check in with others on this. A reliable source is always a preschool teacher or parenting educator. They see these little tykes daily and have a really good perspective on what the average kid can do safely in terms of skills and responsibilities. Once you know what is safe for him to do, you can structure those tasks and help him learn them successfully. And you can weigh the value of him being able to practice independence with your own tolerance of certain behaviors. (I did not allow running in the house, but I had friends that allowed it.) Have you tried putting his cups in a place he can reach, and setting up a stepstool so he can reach the sink safely? Make sure you are close-by and teaching as he “practices” so he knows what to do, and you can help if he struggles. Make a big deal over him trying and mastering these skills. Keep the focus on what he can do will. Once your little one realizes he is allowed to do some things, he may be willing to give up a few that he is not ready for yet.
It also can be helpful, and avoid confrontation, to mention to him about how one day he will be able to do more things to help: “That’s a five-year-old job, I can’t wait til you are five and can do that!”, or: “WHEN you get really good at tearing the lettuce, THEN you be the carrot scrubber!” etc. This way, you can observe his skills, and his level of caution and determine what he is ready for next. (My “cautious” daughter, at three-and-a-half, was able to use a small paring knife, under close supervision, to cut soft veggies. Not all kids can, but you will learn if yours can.)
But what if, after giving him lots of opportunities to help and practice skills, reminding him that as he gets older he will be able to do more things, and praising him when he follows rules and correctly uses tools, he still pitches a fit when told “no”? Well, he won’t be the first kid to do that, and definitely not the last! You still have more skills at your disposal.
First off, make sure you have rules set well in advance. I suggest “Parking Lot Rules”, or “Street Crossing Rules”—whatever event is the challenge. As you begin your errands, remind him that “when we are in the parking lot, THE RULE IS (say that loud and clear) that you hold my hand. Can you follow that rule?” Get agreement up front. When he follows the rule, reinforce it with positive talk and maybe even a treat, if you can: “That was terrific how you remembered and followed our Parking Lot Rule! I LOVE to go places with you when you do that! It makes me want to thank you by stopping at the park for a few minutes on our way home.”) Remind him at the park (and at the end of the day when you talk about your day) that he EARNED the park by following the Parking Lot Rule.
By the way, “THE RULE IS…” is a great technique for many situations where kids need a limit set. (I am thinking you could set a rule for standing on counters or have certain times when the refrigerator can be opened. Set a timer for that, I bet he’d love it!) It is always best to let them know the rules in advance. Kids get used to them. In fact, they like the safety they get from rules, despite how they may complain!
But be careful to reserve it mostly for safety for himself and others (including pets.) If all he hears is “THE RULE IS…” he might get “rule deaf” and ignore it all. Be sure to balance with encouraging words, and hugs and privileges.
It is also important to discuss consequences for NOT following the rules. When you ask him if he can follow the rule, remind him that not following will result in a consequence. “If you follow that rule, we can go to the park, (get a treat, etc.,) but if you don’t follow the rule, we won’t be able to go.” And please, stick to your guns on that… even if it is hard, or inconvenient. Kids learn quickly if their parents mean what they say. Believe me, you want your kids to be absolutely confident that your words can be trusted.
In either case, and here is where kindness is so important, it is always a good idea to empathize with how hard it can be to follow rules:
“This is a hard rule! After sitting in the car for a while, your body just wants to run! I know that. But, I cannot allow you to run where you might get hurt. Can you be in charge of your body and make it wait to run until later?” I love the idea of asking them if they can be in charge of their bodies. (Toddlers LOVE to be in control!) Give them that job and then help them as they try to master it.
Remember I mentioned that patience is needed in this process? Here is where that comes in: It is so important that you accept that there will be times when he just cannot control himself. Sometimes you just need to cut your losses and go home. “Oh, this is too hard today. That body just won’t listen. Let’s just finish here and then we can get you a place to run!” or, “Oh, today the counters/refrigerator are just too much to resist. No more getting your own drink. I will do that for you while you help me set the table.” This message conveys that you understand that he is little and cannot always do what he needs to and that you will take charge when it is needed and not be angry with him. A loving safety net for him and his hard-to-control feelings/body.
Sound like a lot of work? It can be, but not nearly as much work as chasing a child off counters or out of refrigerators; or as scary as struggling with a screaming or darting toddler in a busy parking lot. So, remember this too: this is hard work for parents. Be sure to take care of your feelings and be kind and patient with yourself. No one has done a perfect job at parenting. NO ONE. Progress, and on good days, improvement are the goals, not perfection. You’ve got this!