Dear Granny, We have an on-going issue in our family that is driving me insane. My 13-year-old stepdaughter and 10-year-old son constantly whine and complain when we spend time together as a family. They complain about everything; the food, the weather, the lack of cell phone service, the seats in the car… nothing is off limits. Whether it’s going to the beach, a road-trip to visit family, or a trip to an amusement park, the constant airing of grievances hi-jacks all the good-intentions put into planning family activities. Up until the last few years, we’ve enjoyed regular road trips, camping, and beach trips. I want to expose travel with them and help them build happy family memories, but they are making our “family fun time” something we all must suffer through. How can I bring back the enjoyment without leaving them at home?
Sincerely,
A Mom Missing Family Fun
Dear Mom Missing Family Fun,
Oh, the adolescent years are upon you with a vengeance! It is a trait of the developing teen brain ( typically starts at ages 10-14) to begin to notice and ponder the things in the world that they don’t like and that they wish would be different. It is also part of their developing verbal skills that they want to talk about what they are seeing and thinking. To complete this perfect storm, they are not always tactful while sharing these thoughts with others. Sometimes, even grumpy.
I cannot tell you how many parents have mentioned (complained?) to me over the years about their kids complaining especially at or about going on family outings! Believe me, you are not alone!
Years ago, a friend of mine, on a month-long RV trip out west with her then 12- and 9-year-old kids encountered the same dilemma. The constant griping and carping were really ruining the long-planned-for event. It got so bad, she recalls, that she and her husband were ready to dump both kids at the side of the road somewhere in Arkansas! They felt like they had run the gamut from ignoring it to offering bribes to end it, and it was not making a dent in the frequency of the laments. Then she hit upon the idea to help them with what appeared to be a need to gripe but contain it for the sanity of all. (Much like we learn to channel a toddlers constant need to touch when we remove the untouchables and make available lots of things they CAN touch and hold.)
They decided to give each child 10 minutes each day where both she and her husband would give them their full attention and they could gripe and moan to their hearts content.
There were rules:
- Appropriate language only.
- Minutes are limited to 10 per day. (Cannot “save” or “roll over” minutes.)
- Minutes cannot be bartered. (My friends very crafty, and quieter child wanted to “sell minutes” to the more extraverted sibling!)
- Parents will listen but will not comment or problem solve. If needed that can be done at a later time.
The kids agreed immediately to the suggestion. They thought it would be fun to have permission to do what they had been criticized for doing up till then. The first “session” began, and the parents listened patiently, even though they thought the complaints were ridiculous. They listened without comment.
The first “Lamenter” had unloaded for about 3 minutes when she seemed to run out of things to say. She kept asking “how much time do I have left” as she made up stuff to complain about. Pretty soon, in order to say something, the complaints got silly. It turned into a giggle-fest, where even she finally heard herself and realized that the griping was a bit over the top. The quieter of the two was done in about 1 minute. When he finished he said, “wow. That felt good! I’m done!” Both kids, regardless of their age, seemed to HEAR how it sounded. It ended with laughs and an agreement by the parents to listen again tomorrow.
I think the secret in using this tool is that the parents made sure to tell the kids that complaining is ok in a family, as long as it is limited. So, they limited it. They stepped back and let the kids hear themselves….AND they were sure to only laugh when the kids started to laugh at themselves. Then they all got the giggles. This is important. If the parents had argued or commented negatively, it could have ended in everyone being upset and the kids would have been distracted from hearing what they were saying.
Here’s where the problem was solved: Each day after, when one of the kids started complaining, one of the parents would ask ”is this your 10 minutes?” Most often, the kids chose to hold onto the time figuring they would need it later. And then it was forgotten. On the occasion that they did want their time, it was granted. As the trip went on, if the griping started, all the parents had to ask was “is this your 10?” It became a source of humor, especially when Mom was complaining about the traffic and Dad took the opportunity to ask her: “Is this YOUR 10 minutes?” The kids really loved that.
Again, this strategy worked because instead of telling the kids what they couldn’t do, the parents told the kids what they COULD do, with limits. And while parents cannot do that with everything, there are lots of opportunities where it would work. Be creative!
My husband and his brother loved to wrestle as teenagers. They were allowed to as long as they went outside, and if one got hurt, the other paid the doctor bills. They wrestled a lot and no one ever got hurt.
If swearing is an issue, swearing and bad language can only be done in the privacy of their rooms at a volume the rest of the family will not hear. (Or if they share a room, in the bathroom.)
Mom and Dad need to follow these rules too!
And finally, remember when your kids were little and when they needed attention, they would follow you around, get in your way, climb into your lap, or turn your face to them so you HAD to notice them? Teens probably won’t (ever?) do that but I promise you, they still need you to “see” them. They need your time, assurances, and TLC….even if they don’t know it. Even if the “Ten Minute Complaining Time” solves the issue you wrote about, it never hurts to strengthen the relationship so it is ready to navigate through the next issue that will inevitably arise. May I suggest, as insurance, to add “Special Time” with each of your kids to your schedule?
Special Time for teens is not like it is for younger kids. Teens like to do stuff. (They are usually a bit embarrassed and even bored to just sit and talk.) A friend of mine and her teen son cooked together. She found they had amazing conversations without even looking at each other, something teens are often shy about.
You might find you can help them with a project, or a craft, or an athletic activity. Do whatever the teen would like and work towards fun and connection. This is not the time for lectures on messy rooms, or bad eating habits, or their choice of friends. This is a time to compliment them, ask them what they like in certain friends, or teachers, and focus on their strengths. This is a fun time to solidify the bond that some of their teen behaviors may fray. Good luck and Happy Parenting!
If you have a question for Granny, submit your anonymous question to askgranny@parentingmattersfl.org.