In his book, Children: The Challenge, Child Psychologist Rudolph Driekurs stated: “Encouragement is more important than any other aspect of child-raising. Each child needs encouragement just as a plant needs water.” Wow! We know a plant cannot survive without water. Dreikurs was making a very powerful statement.
What is encouragement? Dreikurs first tells us what it is not: “Half of the job of encouragement lies in avoiding discouragement by humiliation or overprotection.” If we foster a child’s lack of faith in him/her self or make them feel inferior, we discourage them.
- Humiliation makes a person feel small and unimportant. It teaches children they do not matter. My mother’s advice on this subject is still the best: “Always speak to children like you want them to talk to you.” If you don’t like the way your child talks to you, listen to how you If, in the teen years, they get sassy, you want to be able to say, “I don’t talk to you that way and won’t listen to you talk to me that way.”
- Don’t overprotect. This gets harder every decade! I know parents have lots of fears about their kids and this crazy scary, ever-changing world. But when parents overprotect children, they send the message that life is too much for them and they are not able to handle it. That is discouraging– for sure! Kids need opportunities to conquer their fears and master their challenges. This is how they learn skills and gain confidence in being able to take care of themselves. Parenting is really the only job that has as it’s ultimate goal, it’s own demise. If we truly want our kids independent, they will be able to handle life without us. Whenever possible, step back and ask yourself, “How would things go here if I didn’t step in?” You may be surprised at what they can do on their own.
The second half of encouragement lies in knowing how to encourage. When parents treat a child in a way that fosters courage and confidence, they are part of what Driekurs called a “continuous process aimed at giving the child a sense of self respect and a sense of accomplishment.” How can a parent do that exactly? Here are some ideas:
- Use mistakes. Mistakes are part of life, we all make them. Use them as teachers of life’s lessons. Fear of making mistakes can make a child afraid to take risks of any kind or use his own judgment. Emphasize what the child can do next time, remind them of your own mistakes, and give him/her another chance. You may need to show him/her what to do to avoid mistakes. Help them understand that they can make mistakes and not BE a mistake.
- Separate the Deed from the Doer. Make it clear that you love the child but do not always love what they have done. It helps them understand the nature of unconditional love, which is so healing and supportive. This concept is hard for children under 8 or so to grasp because they are still very concrete. I remember explaining this to my Maggie at age 6 saying that I loved her but not her yelling. She listened skeptically and retorted. “Well, when you yell at me, I don’t love you!” Nevertheless, it is good to send an early message of unconditional love that they will eventually understand!
- Don’t compare them to anyone else. It does not motivate, it discourages. And can foster resentment among siblings. Think how you like being compared to co-workers. Does it make feel confident? Work harder?
About The Author: Barbara Brownell, one of the founders of the agency, has more than 35 years of experiences as a Parenting Educator, and has served as Parenting Matters’ Program Director and Program Consultant. 