Parenting and Prevention
Attention Seeking or Connection Seeking: Looking Through a Trauma Lens
By: Jackie Hester, MA. TBRI Practitioner
Remember that behavior is a form of communication. What a child can’t say with words they will say with their behavior.
When an infant is crying, that infant is attention-seeking. When a caregiver responds with positive attention by meeting the infant’s needs, the attachment cycle between them is reinforced. When a teenager is posting on social media for sympathy, that teenager is also seeking attention. Both are trying to meet the basic human need for connection.
Dr. Dan Siegel, author of The Whole Brain Child, explains that the “tenets of secure attachment in a child is feeling fully seen.” What happens when a baby is left “unseen” and grows to be a teenager who also feels “unseen?” Years later, that teenager will seek to meet the unmet need for connection by engaging in unhealthy attention-seeking behaviors. Attention seeking is really connection seeking.
An attention-seeking child may look like the class clown, the social media addict, the promiscuous high schooler, the verbally assaultive middle schooler, and/or the drama architect. These children have a “leaky bucket.” No matter how much attention is showered upon them, they have an unquenchable thirst for more. Because the bucket is always leaking, it never is filled, causing them to zig zag between seeking positive and negative attention. Parenting these children is exhausting. Over time, parents distance themselves from the child, conveying the unintentional message that the child is “bad.”
Attention-seeking is a normal behavior for young children. An attached, secure caregiver not only meets their child’s needs but teaches healthy ways for the child to meet their own needs. Because children from trauma backgrounds do not have securely attached caregivers meeting their early needs, the child adopts survival behaviors, like attention seeking. Trauma experts believe that attention seeking is a “rewiring of the brain in response to early developmental trauma, such as neglect.”
Because early trauma rewires the brain, it is important that parents respond to the underlying need behind the behavior, and not just the behavior. For a child who has not experienced trauma, a parent may employ the parenting technique of “ignoring” the attention-seeking behavior. This technique is contraindicated for a child who has experienced trauma. A child who experienced early trauma may perceive the ignoring as ignoring them versus ignoring the behavior. Although ignoring a behavior can help extinguish it, it does not meet the unmet need for connection. It can increase shame and cause bigger gaps in connection.
To build connection parents must meet their child at the root of the behavior, which falls under attachment. Dr. Karyn Purvis developed the model Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), which gives us connective and engagement strategies that help to build that attachment. She tells us this can be done through “building the relationship with your child by strengthening trust, attachment, and connection.” We at Parenting Matters highly recommend parents dive deeper into TRBI, especially those raising a child with a less-than-ideal background.
Here are some suggestions to reduce attention-seeking behavior by focusing on attention:
- Take time to understand the root of the behavior. Dr. Karyn Purvis tells us that “behavior is the voice of unmet needs.”
- Give intentional time each day for connection with your child. It will help them to feel “seen.”
- Direct your attention towards positive behavior. Validate a child’s need for affirmation. *Be an emotionally safe and responsive parent. Stay calm and manage your own frustrations. If your child’s attention-seeking behavior triggers your anger, safely explore why that is.
- Remember that behavior is a form of communication. What a child can’t say with words they will say with their behavior.
The next time your child seeks attention, stop and listen to the behavior, ask yourself, “What is this behavior really saying? Can this behavior be connection seeking?” Make sure your response points toward the unmet need.
Meet the need and deepen the connection.
Jackie Hester, MA, is a seasoned professional with a deep commitment to supporting children and families through various roles and expertise. She holds a Master’s degree in Psychology, with completed coursework towards a doctorate in Psychology and Counseling. As a certified TBRI Practitioner and Reality Therapy Trained counselor, Jackie has specialized in adoption counseling and educational advocacy. Her career spans over 16 years, including significant experience in therapeutic foster care and adoption casework, where she has helped navigate complex family dynamics and provide crucial support. Jackie has also led adoption support groups and offered individual and couples counseling, emphasizing family therapy and the welfare of children. Dedicated to advocacy, she has served as a Guardian AD Litem and volunteered extensively with families, demonstrating her enduring passion for improving the lives of children and promoting family well-being.