Parenting and Prevention
Perfectionism is the Thief of Connection
By: Jackie Hester
One of my favorite activities to do with families is help them to create a family mantra, which is a statement that describes their family’s core values and guiding principles. Over the years, I have listened to many family mantras, but one stood out above the rest. It was only seven words, but it carried a powerful message. The mantra read “our family wears socks that don’t match.” This mantra tells the story of a family that is perfectly imperfect.
Society’s expectations for parents do not always align with the realities and challenges that today’s families are facing. Parents are hesitant to seek help in fear of exposing their parenting imperfections. Even more isolating is when a parent is challenged with parenting a child who is neurodiverse or has a trauma background. In these cases, perfectionism is a cruel illusion. It is time to redefine parenting success, especially when the parenting journey is not linear in path but veers off to a road less traveled. When parenting neurodivergent children, the focus must be on small wins, letting go of normal developmental expectations, and not comparing one child to another. There is no one size that fits all in parenting children.
To move away from perfectionism, parents must view mistakes differently. Mistakes can no longer be looked at as failures but rather as opportunities for growth and learning. It is only with self-compassion that parents can forgive themselves for making mistakes. When parents allow themselves to make mistakes, they can then extend that same courtesy to their children.
Brene Brown, author, researcher, and storyteller, writes in the Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto, “You (child) will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.”
Perhaps the biggest enemy of perfectionism in parenting is that it steals connection. Parenting with perfectionism means criticism instead of praise. Parenting with perfectionism does not allow for acceptance of who that child is, but rather who the parent pushes that child to be. Perfectionism lends itself to holding grudges instead of offering forgiveness. When parents find awareness and release themselves from the binds of perfectionism, they open the gate for a deeper connection with their child.
Children do not need perfect parents, but rather imperfect parents who have the courage to stand up and embrace their own beautiful imperfections.
Jackie Hester, MA, is a seasoned professional with a deep commitment to supporting children and families through various roles and expertise. She holds a Master’s degree in Psychology, with completed coursework towards a doctorate in Psychology and Counseling. As a certified TBRI Practitioner and Reality Therapy Trained counselor, Jackie has specialized in adoption counseling and educational advocacy. Her career spans over 16 years, including significant experience in therapeutic foster care and adoption casework, where she has helped navigate complex family dynamics and provide crucial support. Jackie has also led adoption support groups and offered individual and couples counseling, emphasizing family therapy and the welfare of children. Dedicated to advocacy, she has served as a Guardian ad Litem and volunteered extensively with families, demonstrating her enduring passion for improving the lives of children and promoting family well-being.