Relationship “Banking” for the Tough Times
Barbara Brownell, M. A. Ed.
In his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey suggests that the theory behind personal banking can help us in relationships. As we all know, (and hopefully our children are learning) bank accounts exist to hold money safely for later use. As long as there is sufficient money put into an account, the account owner can take money out of that account. We also know that if the money drawn out exceeds the money put in, the account is in trouble. Maintaining a “balance” between the right amount of deposits and the necessary and sometimes unforeseen withdrawals is the key to keeping the account healthy.
Just like a healthy bank account, a healthy relationship between a parent and child needs “deposits” to survive the times of inevitable withdrawals. The key is for parents to maintain a good balance between deposits and withdrawals—- i.e.: the deposits must always exceed the withdrawals. For kids, “deposits” are the things they like: hugs, affirmations, “special time” with a parent, encouraging words, surprising them with something special they want, etc. Deposits also can be support in troubled times, emotional and physical safety, clear boundaries, honesty, and kindness. When a parent makes these “deposits”, they enhance and fortify the “relationship account” and allow the account to survive times of inevitable “withdrawals”
So what are withdrawals? There are some obvious things that most kids consider withdrawals: yelling, hitting, and breaking promises, withholding love and affection, criticism, name-calling. Parents can and should avoid these withdrawals whenever possible because they do not and never will, benefit the relationship. But there are also the withdrawals that parents must make because they are part of the responsibilities of parenting: limiting freedom, setting rules, expecting responsible social behavior. While most parents recognize the importance of these parental tasks, and may even view them as deposits, kids will often regard them as withdrawals because they do not see the long term value, and/or because it is unpleasant to have to learn manners, leave playgroup, treat a sibling kindly, do homework, etc.
That is an important point. It is important for parents to remember that when they enforce a rule, or make a request of a child to do something they do not like, parents are likely “withdrawing” from the relationship account. But, as a parent, you get to do that. In most cases you should do it, and you need to remember that these withdrawals need to be counterbalanced with abundant deposits to keep the account “balanced”. This is especially needed in the preschool years when children are learning rules (four year olds can’t stand NOT being the boss), and again, in the teen years when a picking her up at a friends house in an old car, or kissing him goodbye in the school parking lot can be withdrawals of huge magnitude!
My daughter’s friend Lauren has always had a terrific relationship with her mom, Robin. As a teen, I remember Lauren being a bit upset because Robin wouldn’t let her stay out past a certain time—even though my daughter could. After a bit of complaining, she added, “It’s a good thing my mom is who she is, or I‘d be really mad at her.” Robin had made enough deposits to keep Lauren and her relationship respectful and loving, even through the “Battle of the Curfew”! That’s smart banking!
Do you know what your kids consider deposits? Withdrawals? Might be good thing to know. This week: get a head start on your “rainy day fund” and make a few daily deposits for each child! In parenting, there really is no such thing as too many!