Dear Granny,
My husband and I had our first child in April 2020, shortly after total shutdown. Dare I say that I’ve enjoyed 2020 and all the time spent watching my baby grow and learn. Something I wouldn’t have been able to experience in a pre-pandemic world. My parents live in a different state and we finally made the road trip to visit this Christmas so they could physically meet their grandson. During the holidays, we spent a week with my parents. My mom kept telling me I was too indulgent of our son, that I needed him on a strict schedule and to let him cry it out at naptime and bedtime. I have been home with him every day and he has a strong preference for me, even over his dad who works outside the home. I read, sing to him, and play silly little games to make him laugh. On most nights, I don’t mind the 2:00 am snuggles and feedings. He prefers to be held over any bouncer, walker, or baby activity saucer, unless I am right there with him. I am worried that because we have been rather isolated, he may be falling behind in socialization and my parents think I give in to his every demand. With both of those factors together, they say my son is going to have a really hard time adjusting to daycare when it’s time I return to the office and that I am not teaching him to self-soothe or be independent. What should I be doing to help foster independence and to prepare him for a transition to daycare later this year?
How wonderful this weird year has been for both of you! Getting to spend all that time together in your first year is an amazing gift many mothers never experience. No wonder he prefers you over all others! With all the time you spend together, that is totally understandable—- very very good for him! And it sounds like you are loving it too! How lucky for you both.
I am glad to hear that you are concerned that he learns independence and self-soothing. Both are important things for young children to learn. It sounds as if you are asking the right questions at exactly the right time.
First off, I come from the “You Cannot Spoil a Baby Under 1 Year Old” School. Up to one year of age, babies need to learn three very important messages from you: “I am here to meet all of your needs. I am here to comfort and protect you. I cherish you.” When your baby cries and you pick him up, you are telling him those three things. If that means that you need to pick him up when he cries in the middle of the night, it is good to do so. If that means you carry/hold him to soothe him when upset and pay attention to him when he is bored, that is what you do because that is what he needs. (If he is still breast feeding, you have a readymade way to soothe and comfort him)
Your mom makes a point about schedules. Babies need regular routines (and so do most parents!) Within reason, even young babies (3 months on) will sleep, eat, and even play better if those activities are on a regular cycle. But as all new parents eventually learn, those schedules need to be flexible. If baby had a wakeful night, you all may sleep in an hour in the morning (If you are lucky!) so breakfast time will have to be adjusted; “floor time” too. If you are late to get lunch, other times will be adjusted, but the routine will be maintained. That is how parents first teach discipline: through the teaching and adhering to routines. So if you haven’t got a set daily routine, now might be the time to start. If you have a daycare picked out for your son, you might want to contact them and see what their routine is and begin a similar one at home now. Ask for their suggestions on doing that. That will surely help his transition when the time comes!
Regarding the “cry it out” philosophy. I don’t think a screaming baby gets those important messages if they are left alone with their tears. I think some babies may “fuss” a bit. And that is different. Fussing is like complaining. A fuss says “I had such a good time with mommy and now she has left me”. Some babies do that often, some rarely. In either case, if the cry is a complaint, it might be OK to step back and see if he will get to sleep on his own. Trust your instincts and listen to the cry. You will know if your baby is upset at the change, or really panicky. If you sense he is scared, go to him, comfort him and try again next time. If this pattern continues, ask for help. (Aha!parenting.com is a great website to help with all things related to childrearing—- or call a professional: Parenting Matters for example—and my personal favorite local experts!) Getting more information is a sign that you take parenting seriously!
Now is also a perfect time to start working on him being more and more comfortable with “time apart” from you. By this I mean a few minutes of playtime each day, on his own. Give him his favorite toys (or a new toy), in a safe place (pack and play, etc.) and move away slightly. You may need to sit right next to him to start. Each day increase your distance and time away from him. As you gradually move away, you can talk to him, sing to him, anything to remind him you are near. If he fusses, talk calmly to him and reassure him you are there and he is OK! And, very importantly, be confident in HIS ability to cope with your absence. He knows you well, and can read your feelings and moods. If you are timid and unsure, he will notice and it might upset him. Be brave for him and trust your parenting, that you have given him a wonderful start and great bonding. Your attention to his needs have told him he is safe and loved. With that message in his head, he will be able to adjust to the changes that will come. (It may take you longer but you will get there too!)
Lastly, you mention a concern about your infant’s socialization. A one-year old’s “socialization” comes from loving, positive interactions with the adults in his life. If these adults model empathy, cherishing, and positive regard for him and each other, that is all he needs right now. If you visit a one year old day care group, those babies will be mostly interacting with the adults in the room, while they step over (and on) each other! Babies don’t really start relating to peers until they are in their mid-twos, and then interactions are self-centered and messy. Sounds like you are laying a solid foundation for his socialization. Please continue to enjoy whatever time you two have alone together. You will cherish those memories forever!