Dear Granny, With holidays approaching, and my three elementary-aged kids increased exposure to media (due to the pandemic restrictions, eLearning, etc.,) it seems that the “buy-me’s” are worse this year. I understand they are cooped up and bored, but with so much hardship going on, how can I encourage a bit of the real holiday spirit and focus more on values?
Everything seems harder this year, doesn’t it? Parental stress levels are high enough around “normal” holiday times, when most children seem to fall victim to marketing geniuses everywhere. Now we have the usual elevated stress…and a pandemic! It just seems like one more thing parents need to cope with.
And yet, while things are different for most of us, some things have not changed. Since before Halloween our kids have been bombarded by the media with all the wondrous things available for them if their parents will only get right on it! The stuff of dreams is still only a click away! For young children’s “in the moment” brains, this is such a challenge. They hear things are different, but new “stuff” would make everything better! Especially now, at the time of year when most parents would like the focus to be on generosity, family, friendship and other worthy virtues, what they often hear from their little darlings is frequent, if not constant requests to “get me” this or “buy me” that. UGH! But it is possible to take advantage of this situation to help kids sort through the feeding frenzy, make decisions, set priorities, and foster good character development.
First, planning can help. Encourage each child to make a list of what they want and prioritize the items on the list. (Older kids can help their younger siblings with their lists) Explain to them you will try to get as many of the items as you can within your budget. (This can be a terrific opportunity to explain what a budget is and how it operates!) Post the list where you can refer to it and they can add to it or make changes.
Next, set up rules ahead of any shopping “trips” (on-line or in-person) that will cover the “buy-me’s” behaviors. For example: “No requests when we’re shopping, but you can bring your list and make changes or additions if you see something you want.”
If they see something on media and tell you they want it, ask them: “Is it on your list? Do you want to add it?” Remind them that all requests need to be prioritized and adding a new item may move another further down the list and may not get purchased. This helps organize their thinking and allows them to develop the skill of decision making—whew! A toughie, but a goodie!
Frequently, but more now in these times, spending money can be a dilemma. If you are able to purchase all your children’s wishes, it can still be very tough to know when enough is too much. If you are on a tighter budget, it can be even harder to not be able to give your kids all the things they ask for.
Let me be clear about this: It is not harmful to kids if they do not get everything they want. Read that again and let it soak in. It’s truth.
If you haven’t already, teach your children the difference between wanting something and needing something and not allow them to confuse the two. Explain that your job as a parent is to meet their needs, and because you love them, you want to give them SOME of the things they want, too. (That is what birthdays and special treats or gifts are for.) For example: your daughter NEEDS clothes, and she may WANT brand names. Big difference. Try making a game out of it: Do you NEED food everyday? Yes! Do you NEED Wendy’s everyday? No! … but you might WANT it. It doesn’t mean you will get it except as a sometime treat!) A child that doesn’t know this difference may end up thinking that everything he wants, he needs. That is not a place we want our kids to end up!
If it is hard for you to say no to your kid’s wants, please remember: it can build character and a sense of self-esteem for a child to be able to work to get themselves some the things they want (they will someday, after all, need to do that!) and it is important for them to learn this by giving them opportunity to earn money and guide them as they spend it. (Here, again, list-making and prioritizing helps) Who doesn’t want to help their child build character and good self-esteem?
Finally, if you are able, it would be great to choose a family charity project and spend some time focusing on needs of others. This can be as simple as going through closets and toy bins to collect nice items to donate, spending time helping a not-for-profit that provides for families’ basic needs (food pantries) or for their holiday (Toys for Tots).
Talk to your kids about why this is important, and that thinking of others is what these holidays are really about. Most importantly, you need to model the values you want them to learn. If charity work and being generous is something they see you do, they will learn it. If they see you denying yourself (or putting off getting) something that you don’t really need for other more important things, they will learn the same restraint and prioritizing. If you decide to treat them and give them a “want”, talk about it, and explain that we do this sometimes because it is fun and special. This “values modeling” is, I think, one of the toughest parts of being a parent. But it pays off in spades. Have a safe and joy-filled holiday season!