Dear Granny,
My husband and I made the difficult choice to enroll in virtual learning for this school year because I am in a high-risk health category. The problem is, my 4th grade son needs a lot of guidance and I am also working from home. It is draining and we don’t see eye-to-eye. My son and I have always had an easy relationship – and I miss that. I have become a mean mom with no patience. How do I turn this around and teach my child without ruining our relationship?
Sincerely, This Struggling-to-balance Mom
Dear Struggling-to-balance Mom,
Oh, wow, these times are hard for everyone, aren’t they? Even solid relationships are feeling the strain. First off, good for you for even trying to navigate e-learning and work. Both are full time jobs if you ask me. Who wouldn’t run out of patience?
I think it is helpful to acknowledge that for now, you are in a new “teacher” role with your son, and I am sure both of you miss the mother-son relationship you had. Find time to nurture the old, comfortable roles again. Talk about how you miss being just a mommy, and that this virus has created a situation that is not what you would choose. This can be a good time to talk about how families cope with challenges like this, and that feelings can run hot and cold as you cope. Make sure he understands that you may get impatient, but it is because of the dual role you are in, not because of anything he did or does. Ask for his help and patience, reminding him that you are working hard to balance the new responsibilities you have. And encourage him to talk about how he feels. I bet he will tell you he misses his Mommy! Go ahead and tell him you miss her too!
Try to set a schedule where you can sit with him and help him during the day so that it encourages his independence but also helps him with problems that may come up. Can you get help from the teacher on that? I am wondering if some things can be done on weekends or evenings. Find out specifically what areas he needs guidance on and set aside time for those subjects. Talk to him about the need for him to take charge of some of his learning now that he is in fourth grade. (Independence is a key goal for most 4 grade teachers.) Get help if you can. Maybe Dad can take on one or two things. High School kids are often favorite companions among your son’s age group and might be a help with some subjects. Plus, it’s a break in the monotony. I am also thinking your son is missing his friends a lot, and another student (even if it’s an older one) might help him feel a little more normal and give him company.
And don’t forget to be good to yourself and find time for you, even if it’s just a quiet bath on certain nights of the week. Remind yourself that this is not normal, but it is stressful. Take breaks, and deep breathe. Find time to do what you love, what fills you up. Even if it is not as often as you would like. Every little bit counts.
Another working, e-learning mother of two had this advice about the new role of teacher-mom: “Remember, we are not trying to survive e-learning during a pandemic, we are trying to survive a pandemic while e-learning.” I love that perspective.
Finally, your relationship with your son is eons more important than him getting all his work done. If he falls behind, or doesn’t get great grades, he has lots of time and will catch up. Prioritizing your relationship may mean letting some things go, dropping everything to just read together, and taking 10 minute “snuggle breaks”—especially if things are getting tense——or agreeing that once a certain project is done, you will do something together that you both love—-even if for only a short time. We WILL survive this pandemic. The most important thing is to keep the relationship on solid ground until we are back to “normal” again.
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