Have you ever watched a toddler walk over to a crying child and offer them their toy or blankie, or maybe noticed babies begin to whimper or cry when they hear another baby cry? These behaviors are what experts maintain are displays of empathy, a skill most parents want their children to have or attain, and one that can be nurtured and developed.
Let’s first look at the definition of empathy: the ability to identify with or understand the perspective of another and share their emotional state. Scientific journals compare empathy – I feel you; to compassion – I feel for you, explaining they are different emotions.
Research has shown we can actually see the difference in brain scans when each of those different emotions are being felt. Empathy involves putting oneself in the place of another. It is dependent upon a person’s ability to feel their own feelings and be able to identify them.
Dr. Michele Borba, who has written the book, “Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All-About-Me World”, sees our world as being in an empathy crisis. She states today’s teens are 40% less empathetic than they were 30 years ago, and that’s dangerous. Lack of empathy hurts kid’s academic performance, can lead to bullying and correlates more with cheating and less resilience, among other concerns.
Several years ago, Harvard University’s, Making Caring Common Project released a report, “The Children We Mean to Raise, The Real Messages Adults are Sending About Values”. They found although parents talk about instilling values and empathy, children may value academic achievement and individual happiness over caring for others.
The authors go on to explain that the children’s values reflected what they believed the adults in their lives valued. The project offered 5 suggestions for developing empathy in children:
- Empathize with your child and model how to feel compassion for others. Children who feel valued are more likely to value others. Children emulate our acts of caring and compassion.
- Make caring for others a priority and set high ethical expectations. Children need to see us showing caring and compassion in our everyday lives.
- Provide opportunities for your children to practice empathy. Like other skills it requires repetition, to develop and strengthen.
- Expand your child’s circle of concern. It’s easier to be empathetic to someone in your immediate family or close circle of friends than strangers. Create opportunities for children to be aware of and exposed to others outside of that circle. Encourage conversations about those who are vulnerable and in need.
- Help children develop self-control and manage feelings effectively. Model conflict resolution and anger management in your own actions, Let your children see you work through challenging feelings in your own life.
So, knowing empathy is such a vital skill, one that helps us to forge friendships and create connections and relationships, how else can we keep it a priority. Practicing empathy daily, the same way we brush our teeth or comb our hair, will help to ingrain it in our children’s lives and become a natural part of who they are.
Some actions that you can incorporate into your family’s life include: point out when you see someone else being empathetic, volunteer as a family and discuss the experience, read books and watch movies that explore and promote empathy, use experiences as teachable moments and praise your children and others when you see them being empathetic.
In a world that seems uncaring and disconnected at times, each of us as individuals have the ability to be the change we would like to see in this world. Being empathetic and instilling that value in our children is a great place to start.
If you are interested in reading stories to your little ones check out the following books, and remember it starts with you!
- Bully by Laura Vaccaro Seeger, 2013
- First Grade Drop Out by Audry Vernick, 2015
- A Hat for Mrs. Goldman by Michelle Edwards, 2015
- In Plain Sight by Richard Jackson, 2017
- Ivan: The Remarkable True Story of the Shopping Mall Gorilla by Katherine Applegate, 2014
- Hey Little Ant by Philip and Hannah Hoose, 1998
- The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig, 2013
- Not So Different: What You Really Want to Ask About Having a Disability by Shane Burcaw. 2017